Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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