dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
