I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
