If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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