Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
