conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Text me some of your sweat
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