Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
