I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize