I'm eating all of the evidence.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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