Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
