and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There's always time for handjobs
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
