Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize