Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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