we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
