He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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