Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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