Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Couch. On fire.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
