Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
