Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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