ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
