So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
His nipple licking is glorious
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