the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
