You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
