oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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