last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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