just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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