Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
