the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
