Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
