so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
