Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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