he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
