True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
