Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Screwed.edu
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
