Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
