I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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