Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This is my gift to your gina
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
