stop calling my apartment porn island.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
