My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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