I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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