I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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