My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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