Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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