Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
