Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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