I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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