I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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