omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
