mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
