The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
