my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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