Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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