I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize