how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
