He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i believe in u and ur pee
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize